Precious friend

Recently i met a new friend from the center. He's a very special guy in the sense that he's 33 and still thinks and acts like he's 12. But a 12 year old that can drive a car. We could get along because he used to suffer from depression and we could relate well to each other. But what was also starkly different was he was as sincere and innocent as a 12 year old kid. I lost my innocence due to circumstance but thats a different story i wont wanna tell in this post. It was the quality that i wanted along. It was this that made him likeable and easy to get along with.

He told me to be more open as i have always been closed up inside. Lost innocence. But i want to reclaim that now. And i have seen someone who does have it and is liked by everyone. And so i shall open up more and be more....open and be more me.

We chatted, and opened up to each other pretty quickly. Soon i was with him everywhere the gompa. He was extremely close with someone that i thought to be nasty and sneaky, but now i realize that person did have a loving and caring side to him. It was just that i was too self absorbed to recognize, appreciate and make things better.

Soon we were giving each other hugs. And he gave me his tiger eye mala. I gave him a Dzambala Chakra because i knew he would need it. We spent his last night in KL at my new room as he was to depart to Singapore due to his contract for 2 years. We had fun and bonded over that night. For one night, i finally get to feel what is it like to have a brother. We horsed around and tickled each other and hugged each other. We joked. We teased. We bonded as if we were blood brothers that night.

When morning came, he gave me a Mahakala Chakra. (I have 2 now and he is my most favoritest Dharma protector) and a card. Both of them i shall treasure for a very long time.

Being with him helped me open my heart. If i was him longer, i would have opened up more to people but i guess i need to work on it alone and on my own. It also reminded me of impermanence and the pain of being apart with someone that you find pleasant. Maybe this is the start of a new beginning for both me in terms of learning to be more human, and him in singapore? My bitter, scarred heart has to change to a more innocent, open and loving one. NOW. I will give warmth to those who come to me like what he did to me. And i shall forever remember his kindness in helping me deal with myself when i was in a depressed state of mind. It is not everyday that you get to have a friend like that.

Meeting him made me learn one thing: saying "I truly care about you" without any follow up action and acting in ways that you do to a person are truly different. People can sense sincerity so i cant fake it anymore. Need to learn to open up and not hide everything so that i can be like this guy who now calls me kor kor. After so many years of bitterness, i need a change anyway. He has all that i want (and some features i dont want) so i need to emulate him and adopt those qualities. He's just too sincere to be true. I was initially jealous as he was well loved (and i was not) but in time i realize i need to develop certain qualities he has..like not being bitter and being open and sincere. You can really feel that he really feels on what he is doing and its not just to get attention. That, is a quality that i would want to possess one day indeed.

It's said that the Guru blesses the disciples even when they are far away to help ripen seeds. This is definitely Rinpoche's blessing as i would not have met him if not through my Guru. The more traditional texts say that the Teacher emanates as disciples in order to set examples. Am wondering if he is one?

Wesak Day with Rinpoche

On Wesak Day, Rinpoche gave a baby baptism which consecrates the mind of a child and plant Dharmic imprints into their mindstream, and then gave refuge to 112 people. I could hear Rinpoche's heavy breathing as he blessed the children through the mic, even though i was watching him from a television screen in another hall as the main gompa was packed full with children and their parents. It was the first ever ceremony of its kind in the world.

After the kids came the refuge. Rinpoche gave a really funny yet provocative talk on what is it to be spiritual and Buddhist, and what does refuge entail. He gave a very complete but contemporary explaination on the 10 non virtues that a Buddhist should avoid after refuge (which is an extension of the 5 percepts), clearer than any text or book could ever give or reach out to people of this age.

However, the heart essence of the talk was about developing real compassion. Rinpoche has been very conservative in giving out tantric initiations as he really sees them as sacred. However in the talk, he expressed his interest in giving it out to a select few of 30 people. Tantra is not secret to those who are stable enough to walk its path, but are only secret to those whose mindstreams are not prepared for the intense transformative practices ahead and it requires a mastery in the sutra path. The binding basis for both paths is real, genuine compassion, a type of compassion where an individual develops love and care towards all living beings and acts upon that, without ever wishing or expecting something back that does not fluster over time-- The mastery and nuturing of Bodhicitta.

Rinpoche mentioned that aspiring initiates should hold the vows and demonstrate mental stability and consistency as mantras will need to be recited every single day without fail, and these should be present BEFORE the initiation and not after. He gives a very simple reason -- do you learn to drive before or after you buy the car? It should be before so that you dont crash the car. So, in other words, as his students we should try our best to generate the qualities of mental stability and consistency and develop this in our mindstreams in order to receive higher teachings.

"Do not be discouraged whenever you encounter suffering -- let it fuel you to do more for others. When Bodhisattvas meet difficult people or people who hurt them and let them down, they become even more passionate in finding a solution to helping these people. Dont pray to escape. Dont pray to go to a pureland. But pray to remain in samsara until space ends to help living beings. Go to a pureland and leave everyone else behind to suffer? I dont think so."

It was a really powerful talk on compassion and on how it should be developed and how Bodhisattvas do not fear suffering but use it as fuel to propel themselves to help others.

Rinpoche also talked about the importance of speech, and it is from speech that you can enlighten others and also destroy others. He explained that we need to always keep our promises. Mental sufferings such as mood swings are caused by us giving people hope and then letting them down repeatedly many times as you bring people up and down repeatedly so it is reflected in the mind.

Again, i am really grateful to Rinpoche for such through explanations that help relieve the afflictions of people of this age and time that was not present or mentioned in older times: mood swings and depression, from a Buddhist point of view.

This, i feel, was the essence of Rinpoche's talk although there was so much more in his 3 hour talk that i cant possibly remember every single detail, but only talk about what resonates with me...

After the talk, my mind no longer operated in an easily dissapointed/depressed mode and it felt like my mind has opened up so much more compared than before and suddenly i realize i was not doing enough Dharma from where i am and i need to get involved more. It just hit me with "oh! I have not been doing enough and i should go and do more. There is no more time for excuses." Will probably need to send a few emails out asking if they need things to be done after working out my schedule!

There's a video for the entire teaching as well:

Buddhist Politics

I was talking to a friend that i knew from my previous Dharma center (which was non denominational) and he told me that a certain very senior member of that community has left due to intense politics.

To me, personally, after listening to  Rinpoche's explanation on politics in a Dharma center, it does sound very silly to leave a Dharma center due to the messed up politics or difficult people inside. Rinpoche likens a Dharma center to be a hospital, where people who need help go to for help and to go to a Dharma center to expect perfect people would be akin to going to the hospital and expecting to see only healthy people there. At least nutjobs in a Dharma center actually realize that they need help which is why they are in a Dharma center in the first place, rather than nutjobs who think they are perfectly normal.

People will always be people and they will always behave in the same way, irregardless of whether or not they are in a spiritual organization or not. So why do people get disillusioned? It's more towards unrealistic expectations.

If one goes to a Dharma center to socialize and waste time rather than learning the Dharma with the help of a spiritual community, and it turns out that the Dharma center isnt any less stressful than office politics, the person would get disillusioned and may even quit Buddhism alltogether. The important thing, i feel is just to get the motivations and reasons for being in a Dharma center right: to learn the Dharma or for self improvement. Any other motivation and the reasons to be Buddhist would just fall apart and crumble. 

It would be somewhat unrealistic to use Dharma centers as an escape from office politics or anything like that. Sure, it can be hard to accept but we're all human and we should be expecting this to happen. Again, to me if i get overwhelmed by politics and it managed to damage my reputation, i only have myself to blame as i lack the people skills to get on the good side of others and acted in ways that provoke the ire of others. So it is only natural that they devise a way to get me out. why should i blame them as the cause when i myself am? Does it mean that they lack spiritual practice and its their fault, or would it be mine for placing expectations that they should have?

To be honest, i do not understand why do certain people get appalled when they find out that a certain center has politics, and declare that unbuddhist (It is so not buddhist to be political! there is no true dharma with politics, they claim....) Or that age-old argument that "monks should not get involved in politics, and therefore i do not respect the Dalai Lama" used by certain individuals to justify something...it is so silly. Even the Buddha had to handle and manage politics in the sangha (With Devadatta and the likes, and even needing to elude the king's questions etc to spread the teachings and enlighten others) so what makes you think that Buddhist communities should be free of it? Obviously wouldnt it be better to use it to ensure that more people will benefit, rather than spending a lifetime searching for the 'perfect' center? The Buddha taught that everything in samsara is of the same nature, and so are Dharma centers...so why fret?

The other question is, what happens if the next center you go to have the same kind of politics? what would you do? give up? or just bear with the center that has benefited you the most so that you can give back? What would it be?

are the questions that i ask myself if i ever considered leaving due to people making things difficult in the center. And obviously, the answers to the questions always turns my mind around.

Gaden Lhagyama and depression

It is pretty amazing on how sadhanas work on our minds.

perhaps this is finally a cure for depression instead of expensive consultations with psychiatrists and mind-numbing medications.

In my previous post, i have been in deep depression for a whole month but continue to function normally -- insomia, loss of appetite, feeling like im not here and my mind is looking down from somewhere...all while having difficulty breathing the entire week. It warped me into a mental state where i no longer feel that i am myself and i dont recognize/acknowledge/feel my own actions, my identity or people around me, the time and even space as i would zone out periodically. It's basically a state of mind where the mind envelopes itself in a self-enclosed bubble and disconnects itself from reality.

I have not been doing Ganden Lhagyama regularly like i should and i wanted to restart it but i postponed due to mental laziness. Eventually, under the depressed state of mind i eventually started doing it 3 days ago. I just read the text out loud, in english, and i didint even feel anything when i read it. to me it was just reading words.

That very night, i was able to breathe normally without feeling choked for the first time in a month. And i was able to sleep properly for the first time in weeks too. And the next day i was able to feel my surroundings again.

I continued to do the prayers and my breathlessness reduced. It still happens but it is a lot reduced compared to before. But my mind was as lucid as always and i am no longer feeling disconnected. It's the 3rd day and im still drowsy but i am feeling so much better than before from the whole month.

when i did this prayer, i just recited the words. i did not feel anything nor visualized anything and it did help. If it could have an effect on me under these circumstances, i am positive it may help anyone else irregardless if they had any faith in Lama Tsongkhapa...

however i am fully aware that i should use this opportunity to look into the cause of my depression and reconcile it rather than to rest on my laurels.

If you do suffer from depression, do give this prayer a try.

JE TSONGKHAPA’S YOGA – GANDEN LHA GYAMA

(Invocation)

GA-DEN HLA-JI NGON-JYI THUG-KA NEYRAP-KAR SHO-SAR PUNG-DEE CHU-ZIN TSERCHO-KYI GYEL-PO KUN-CHEN LOZANG DRAGSEY-DANG CHE PA NE-DIR SHEG SU SOL

From the heart of the Lord of the Gaden Devas (Maitreya Buddha) emerges a brilliant white cloud, like a great mass of fresh yoghurt. Atop sits Tsongkhapa all-knowing, King of Dharma; we request your coming to this place along with your great disciples.

(Prostration)

DUN-JYI NAM-KHAR SING-TI PEE-DEE TENGJE-TSUN LA-MA JYEH-PI DZUM-KAR CHYENDAG-LO DE-PE SO-NAM SHING-CHOG TUTAN-PA JYEH-SHIR KAL-DJAR JUG-SU SOL

My Lord Guru is seated before me upon a lion throne, lotus and moon cushion. His body is white and he smiles blissfully. Please remain many eons and serve as the great merit field for the growth of my mind’s faith, and for the increase of Lord Buddha’s teachings.

(Praises)

SHE-JYEH CHON-KUN JAL-WEY LO-DO THUGKAL-ZANG NA-WEY JYIN-JUR LIK-SHEY SUNGDRAG-PI PEL-JYI HLAM-MER DZEY-PI KUTHONG-THO DRAN PI DON DHAN LA-CHAG TSAL

His omniscient wisdom-mind encompasses all that is existent. His voice is a profound teaching, which ornaments the ear of the fortunate pupil. His body’s beautiful radiance evokes wondrous admiration. To Lama Tsongkhapa, whom merely viewing, hearing or contemplating earns one great merit, I make prostration.

(Offering)

YIH-WONG TCHO-YON NA-TSOG ME-TOG DANGDRI-JEM DUG-PO NANG-SAL DRID-CHAB SOGNGO-SHAM YIH TUL TCHO-TIN GYA-TSO DISO-NAM SHING-CHOG CHE-LA CHO-PA BUL

I present to you, great merit field, Tsongkhapa, beautiful offerings, water, a display of flowers, fragrant incense, butter-lamps, perfumes and more both physical and mental offerings, vast as the clouds and wide as the ocean.

(Confession)

DAG-GI TO-MEY DU-NEH SAG-PA YILU-NGAG YIH-KYI DIG-PA CHI-JYI DANGCHEY-PA DOM-PA SUM-JI MI-TUN SHONYING-NEH JO-PA TRAH-PO SO-SOR SHAG

The unwholesome actions of body, speech and mind, which I have accumulated over a measureless period, especially actions contrary to the three vows (Vinaya, Bodhisattva, Vajrayana), I regret extremely and from the depths of my heart, and reveal each and every such action.

(Rejoice)

NIK-MI DU-DIR MANG-THO DRUP-LA TSONCHO-JYED PANG-PI DAL-JOR DON-YO SHYENGON-PO CHEY-KYI LAP-CHEN DZE-PA LADAG-CHAG SAM-PA TAG-PEH YI RANG NGO

We totally rejoice in your magnificent achievements, my Lord, who received numerous teachings and performed the practices with utmost diligence, who abandoned the eight worldly objectives and made the most meaningful use of the eighteen opportune conditions during these degenerate times.

(Request to turn the Wheel of Dharma)

JE-TSUN LA-MA DAM-PA CHEY-NAM KYICHO-KU KA-LA CHEN-TI TIN-TIK NEYJI-TAR TSAM-PI DUL-SHIH DZIN-MA LAZAB-JI CHO-KYI CHAR-PA WHAP-TU SOL

All you Holy Gurus, unerring in conduct, may you precipitate a rain of realization of Bodhicitta and Sunyata from the clouds of all-knowing compassion, which fills the Dharmakaya sky, providing for the field of disciples precisely what is needed.

(Requesting to remain)

NAM-DAG WO-SAL YING-LEY JING-PA YIZUNG-JUG KU-LA CHAR-NUB MI-NGA YANGTHA-MAL HNANG-NGOR ZUG-KU RAG-PA NYISEE-THEE BAR-DU MI-NUB TAN-PAR SHUG

May the Vajra body created from the purity of clear light, free of the rising and setting of cyclic existence but visible to the ordinary viewer only in its unsubtle, physical form, stay on unchanging, without waning, until Samsara ends.

(Dedication)

DAG-SOG JIN-NYEH SAG-PA GE-WA DEETAN-DANG DRO-WA KUN-LA GANG-PHAN DANGCHE-PAR JE-TSUN LO-ZANG DRAG-PA YITAN-PI NYING-PO RING-DU SAL-SHEH SHOG

May this merit accumulated by myself and others, beneficially serve all sentient beings and the Buddhadharma and especially may the essential teachings of the unerring Master Tsongkhapa, become clear and enduring.

MIG-TSE-MA MANTRA

MIG-MEY TZE-WEY TER-CHEN CHEN-RE-ZIGDRI-MEY KHYEN-PI WANG-PO JAMPAL YANGDU-PUNG MA-LU JOM-DZEY SANG-WEY DAGGANG-CHEN KE-PEY TSUG-GYEN TSONG-KHAPALO-SANG TRAG-PEY SHAB-LA SOL-WA DEB (21x)

(*Actual retreat mantra – recite thus, as many as possible)

Je Tsongkhapa, crown Jewel of the holy masters of the Land of Snows
You are Avalokiteshvara, great goldmine of compassion untainted by ego’s delusion.
You are Manjushri, great master of stainless wisdom.
You are Vajrapani, great subduer of all the gatherings of demons.
At your feet, famed Lobsang Dragpa, I humbly bow and earnestly request that all sentient beings achieve Enlightenment.

DISSOLUTION

(Dissolving Je Rinpoche into Ourselves)
PAL-DAN TSA-WEY LA-MA RINPOCHEDAG-SOG CHI-WOR PE-ME DAN-JUG LAKA-DRIN CHEN-PO GO-NEY JE-ZUNG TEKU-SUNG THUG-KYI NGO-DRUP TSAL-DU SOL
Dear worthy root Guru, please ascend the lotus seat atop the head of myself and the other beings, and in your great kindness please remain with us. Bestow upon us the blessings of your body, speech and mind.


PAL-DAN TSA-WEY LA-MA RINPOCHEDAG-SOG NYING-KHAR PE-ME DAN-JUG LAKA-DRIN CHEN-PO GO-NEY JE-ZUNG TECHO-DANG THUN-MONG NGO-DRUP TSAL-DU SOL
Precious, noble, root Guru, please occupy the lotus seat within our hearts and in your great kindness remain with us. Please grant us your blessings for our temporal success and for the supreme attainment.


PAL-DAN TSA-WEY LA-MA RINPOCHEDAG-SOG NYING-KHAR PE-ME DAN-JUG LAKA-DRIN CHEN-PO GO-NEY JE-ZUNG TEJANG-CHUB NYING-PO BAR-DU TAN-PAR SHUG
Beloved, noble, root Guru, please occupy the lotus seat within our hearts and in your great kindness remain with us. Please stay on until we achieve the great goal of ENLIGHTENMENT.

Depression

I suffer from deep depression. It is nothing new and i have been going through this for quite sometime now. When in depression i lose the ability to make lucid decisions and i can no longer interact properly with people. I'll feel like i need to be alone (which makes it worse) and i cant think properly. Everything will be intensified and i will be mentally incapacitated. This can go on for months.

I used to be quite good at mindgames and in manipulating people to do my bidding. I've stopped since i have met my Guru who taught that it would only bring suffering. It was so bad that i was unconsciously lying and manipulating people around me. And my teacher caught it and confronted me about it. He did not allow me to justify or explain myself. And that is how i gained the courage to look into my own issues and do something about them.

However i am still feeling the effects. All i can do is be aware of it and not let it affect things/people around me. I am just aware of it as being my karma manifesting.

I'm taking control over of my depression and doing Lama Tsongkhapa's meditations help me to stabilize my mind to an extent. But the rest is still up to me. I still lack the ability to do something tho. Work in progress.

If i was not a Buddhist, i dont think so i would be able to face this properly and will have to depend on antidepressants. It is due to my Guru's kindness that i am able to overcome this, although not immediately.